Relationships often feel riddled with complexities as we come from our own unique set of life experiences. Sometimes, it can feel really difficult to absorb an alternate viewpoint, especially when differences in family patterns and/or cultural values and beliefs come into play. These negative interactions may slowly lead to a pattern where you and your partner find yourselves frequently engaging in arguments, which escalate to a point where you are unable to empathise and listen to your partner, become reactive and say hurtful things to each other. This vicious cycle may end with a deep sense of shame or guilt in the aftermath of your argument.
Couples counselling or therapy can help you slow down this process and regain control over it, in a way where you begin to move towards a non-blaming and reflective position. Typically, this involves exploring the history of your relationship as well as taking into account the importance of socio-cultural differences in order to understand your individual family narratives before beginning to work on specific relational processes.
Couples therapy is not just ‘problem-focused’, it is also a space where you can identify and build on your strengths and resources as a couple and think about the things that work well in your relationship. You and your partner may be looking to strengthen your bond, for example, by learning new communication skills or ways to better deal with conflict resolution. You may have recently become parents and are struggling with the transition from a ‘couple’ to becoming ‘parents’. Alternatively, you may have been together for a long time but are now clashing whilst parenting a teenager, perhaps a result of differences in parenting styles.
Some couples come to therapy with the notion that ‘either this works, or that's it’; usually, this is when they are going through a major breakdown in their relationship, such as, following a betrayal or rupture in trust. It’s important to check with your partner whether you both are turning to couples counselling with the same agenda, as it may be that one of you is more inclined to try and stay together whilst the other is keen to split up amicably.
Irrespective of your unique challenge, expect your couples therapist to work as a facilitator instead of a referee, therefore she won’t be willing to take sides. She should create a therapy space that feels free of blame and offers safety and hope, as a result helping you and your partner open up to have difficult conversations in a non-confrontational manner. The goal may not always be to ‘repair the relationship’, the idea is for you and your partner to be able to make an informed decision about the path best suited to your circumstances.
Remember, couples counselling can be for anyone in an intimate relationship, regardless of their gender, sexuality or stage of relationship. You don't have to be married to seek couples therapy; people often come into therapy after many years of difficulties, however the sooner you decide to confront the challenges, the easier it will be to work through them.
Some of the common reasons couples seek therapy are:
· Feeling your physical, psychological or emotional needs are not being met
· Conflict over balance in power or structure of gender roles in the relationship
· Navigating a multicultural relationship
· Repairing emotional disconnect
· Disclosure of a secret, for example a historical or current affair or infidelity
· Working through forgiveness following the breakdown of trust
· Financial difficulties or issues around managing money
· Building on empathy and mutual respect in the relationship
· Transitioning between lifecycle stages, such as deciding whether to get married or have a child
· Childcare issues or disagreement on how to raise your children
· Empty nest syndrome: re-evaluating your relationship once your child has left home
About the Author: Mallika Verma
Mallika Verma is a psychologist, and couples and family therapist. She has previously worked across a range of public and private healthcare settings in India and the UK. She now practices privately in Mumbai and Delhi. Learn more at: www.mallikaverma.com or get in touch with her on: mallikavermatherapy@gmail.com.
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