The importance of looking inward.
Last week, when the board exam results began pouring in, I was disappointed to see the way in which 'the class toppers' were still being celebrated, especially in the backdrop of a year of tremendous loss and grief for so many. I wondered what it would feel like to get a 95% and be in the so called 'class average'. Or worse, to see that you were the only one in the class to belong to the 'below 90' category. It seems hard to believe that as a culture, we've only gotten worse at categorising children based on their academic achievements.
Sadly, these comparisons aren't just limited to academics; it often starts from a young age, for example, being told:
you're too shy or loud (as if there's some universal norm for that?!)
you're not as clever as your sibling (because they actually like history/math/science but you don't!)
that you used to be such a good child but now you're not (which teenager is known for their sense of discipline or obedience?)
Slowly, you begin to receive a message that you need to match up to a certain type of personality, study or career achievements, social standing, salary figure etc., in order to be accepted by your loved ones and/or the outside world. That's how we learn to look outwards, for external cues or social norms, to make day-to-day as well as important life decision. Perhaps we are lured in by a false sense of security in this 'best' way, based on an inherent need for safety.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), there is no single best career, subject, activity, sport, university. Different people are suited to different paths, based on a whole range of factors, such as their likes and dislikes, interests, strengths, personalities, abilities and so on. However, until you don't start looking inward and getting to know yourself better, you won't be able to assess what's a right-fit for you. This is a continuous, reflective process; it doesn't end at choosing your subjects in class 11, your college degree or your first job. But the sooner you start, the better you'll get at it!
For parents, that's why it's so important to allow your child to explore the world and develop their own sense of self. When you compare them to someone they're not, you're telling your child that they're not good enough. When you project your own hopes and dreams onto them, you're denying them the opportunity to be their own person and have their own life experiences.
About the Author: Mallika Verma
Mallika Verma is a psychologist, and couples and family therapist. She has previously worked across a range of public and private healthcare settings in India and the UK. She now practices privately in Mumbai and Delhi. Learn more at: www.mallikaverma.com or get in touch with her on: mallikavermatherapy@gmail.com.
This is an excellent post. It is us, the adults, who are guilty of this and causing problems for our children later. We must all think more - about our children and their abilities and likes, rather than forcing them to follow a path we have chosen for them. Kudos!!