“Even if ninety-nine percent of the bad things that happen to you is someone else’s fault, I want to look at the other one percent- the part that is your responsibility.” ~ Irvin Yalom
Several people come into therapy to understand themselves better and/or to make meaningful changes in how they'd like to lead their lives. Yet many often hold a strong belief that their life problems are a result of external factors, something outside of their 'locus of control'. For example, they may believe that their relationship challenges are all to be blamed on their partner, or that they've got 'all the bad luck in the world' when it comes to love.
By assuming responsibility, I mean the concept of ownership or acknowledging that your action (or inaction) has wider consequences on yourself, other people and at times, the world at large too (for example, climate change).
Assuming responsibility may seem similar to taking a risk, in that there may not always be a straightforward, right or wrong decision or outcome. For example, should I leave work early to spend time with my partner or stay late to please my boss? Depending on who you are, your priorities and your sense of self, you may decide on either of the options- there is no absolute right choice. Moreover, for every path taken, there is another path left behind.
Yet when you allow little and big things to happen to you, by shying away from making difficult, albeit life-changing decisions, you may be left regretting the way your life was charted out for you. What if I had taken the decision to pursue the art course I always dreamed of? If only I had persuaded my family and married the person I was in love with?
It must be said, not everyone has access to the power or space to assume responsibility for major life-decisions; unfortunately for some, it may even put them at risk. Yet every person has the ability to shape their life in some way or the other. Creating any change, in the context of therapy or outside, starts with opening up to the idea that in your life, you are the most powerful agent of change.
About the Author: Mallika Verma
Mallika Verma is a psychologist, and couples and family therapist. She has previously worked across a range of public and private healthcare settings in India and the UK. She now practices privately in Mumbai and Delhi. Learn more at: www.mallikaverma.com or get in touch with her on: mallikavermatherapy@gmail.com.
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