Cultivating compassion in your relationship

When you and your partner relate to each other from a place of hostility or with “weapons out”, you may notice in those moments that it becomes increasingly difficult to tap into your compassionate self. This is because when you engage in a hostile form of communication and argue with or withdraw from your partner, you are operating from a place of ‘fight-or-flight’ in your relationship. This is a result of the evolutionary, threat-based system in the human brain which is causing you to interpret a disagreement or argument as a threat, and so, it activates a response of ‘fight’ i.e. argue, or flight i.e. withdraw. Depending on how frequently and intensely this occurs, you both may become caught up in a vicious cycle where the response of one, influences a reaction in the other.

Fortunately, compassion is not just a momentary feeling, it is a skill that you can learn, actively practice and also become proficient in. Compassion is associated with values such as being caring, considerate, understanding, kind, warm and empathic.

When thinking about building compassion as a skill in couples, a typical start point is how to communicate with compassion. This includes active listening, a skill whereby you are really listening to your partner’s (alternate) viewpoint or opinion. This means being open to hearing and understanding their thoughts, ideas or feelings. You may not agree with what they are saying, but you should acknowledge their perspective, as it is important that your partner feels heard by you. Try not to interrupt with your questions, thoughts or opinions, until your partner is finished sharing their feelings, offering them a respectful and supportive space to talk.

Similarly, when talking to each other, try to be patient and gentle, rather than attacking, critical or unkind. Share your feelings honestly, and in a non-blaming manner, for example, “I feel bad” instead of “you made me feel bad”. Thus, when you both “leave your weapons outside the room”, it becomes easier to communicate with openness, kindness and empathy.

It is also vital that you connect with your care-giving or soothing system (rather than your fight-flight system) and tap into how you and your partner are feeling. You may find yourself habitually functioning on the ‘fix-it’ button and want to jump straight into offering advice or solutions, especially when your partner is upset. Bring compassion into your relationship by slowing down this process and working your way through holding those difficult feelings for your partner, before going straight into problem-solving. Moreover, physical touch often helps activate the soothing system, so don’t shy away from a comforting hug - ask your partner what they need from you so that you can start to offer that.

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About the Author: Mallika Verma

Mallika Verma is a psychologist, and couples and family therapist. She has previously worked across a range of public and private healthcare settings in India and the UK. She now practices privately online. Learn more at: www.mallikaverma.com or get in touch with her on: mallikavermatherapy@gmail.com.